


Pretend It's A Memory

by AwkwaBen



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Post Scratch!Stridercest, Stridercest - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-27
Updated: 2011-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-28 15:08:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/309184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwaBen/pseuds/AwkwaBen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>D.S decides that kissing his older brother is very much a good idea. Dave, on the other hand, pretends that he's with what he thinks is a figment of his imagination. A memory of something he once had.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pretend It's A Memory

**Author's Note:**

> Warning for sadstuck. And porn.

It was hard, some days. Nearly impossible other days. It was difficult and Dave Strider was pretty sure nobody actually understood how he felt. Not even Lalonde in all of her psycho analysis and twisty words.

Dave had found himself lounged on the futon of his ironically shitty apartment, looking at the TV screen as it played some colourful cartoon but not actually seeing what it was. Not actually hearing what was said and paying no attention to much of anything aside from the thoughts swimming in his head and the taste of the whiskey burning it’s way down his throat and into his stomach.

He thought about the vague fuzzy memory in the back of his mind that sometimes came to surface when he was feeling especially down or after a dream that may or may not have involved a boy in blue that wore a dorky grin and made dumb movie references. Dumb movie references that may or may not have come from Dave’s very own shitty movies. He thought about his little brother that wasn’t even really his brother by blood and how he seemed to enjoy seeing how high he could get the water bill with his horrendously long showers. How he had found the kid outside and took him in. Raised him. Loved him in his own distant way. Showed him things.

Thought about the brother that had emerged from the bathroom and stood there in the living room without his notice, naked aside from a scratchy white towel around his waist and his ever present anime shades. The kid was actually pretty damn attractive like that, he had to admit. Regardless, Dave rose an eyebrow behind his own shades, pushing every other thought to the side in favour of gracing the kid with his attention.

“‘Sup, little man.”

The younger Strider seemed to ignore the nickname that didn’t even suit him anymore and he instead stared with a perfected poker face that may have either been calculation or pure and simple staring. Dave couldn’t actually tell. Not with the shades on. Finally, he said, “I was thinking of trying something. Something new, maybe.”

Oh. Something new, he says. Dave looked at his brother in his wet nakedness, guessing at what he could possibly want to try but not exactly sure if he was entirely okay with it. Trying to ignore the way his voice seemed more tense than it usually did. How it almost lacked that flat quality to it he had instilled in the boy. “Okay,” he said slowly, drawing the word out as if urging him to go on. “Well what is it? I don’t exactly have all day for you to stand there staring at me, you know.”

“Actually it looks like you do.” With something that almost looked like the Strider version of a deep breath his brother turned his head to look at the television that was apparently playing a rerun episode of Spongebob Squarepants. Apparently the episode where the obnoxiously yellow sponge catches jelly fish for his boss. Well. “It seemed to me all you were doing was spacing out in front of the television. That in itself practically screams boredom.” He turned the television off.

Dave, however, stayed where he was, drinking from his glass as he watched the shorter male. “Hey. That was some quality programming you just turned off, you know. I mean what can be better than a yellow sponge’s deep sea antics? Not a whole lot, that’s what.”

This, apparently, was not even remotely interesting to his brother. “I can think of a lot of things that are a lot more interesting than that. Even if it is supposed to be ironic.” This time it really did sound like his brother was trying really hard to keep his calm and controlled tone of voice. Interesting.

“Oh, really.” Dave leaned back further, finishing his glass of whiskey and setting the glass down on the coffee table between the two brothers. “Then go ahead, little man. Enlighten me. I’m listening and everything.”

There was a brief, quiet moment between the two of them, then before the younger of the two approached him, walking around the coffee table until he stood right in front of Dave. The fact that his brother was still very much naked and every bit fresh from a shower was definitely one big thing that persistently remained present in the front of his mind as he watched this advancement towards him. He did his best not to think about it. Did his best not to look his brother who was indeed a minor and instead look at his face. At his shades. At the way his lips looked.

No. No, none of that.

Whatever powers at be seemed to decide that thoughts like that were every bit a good thing to have at the moment, however. His brother leaned down over him and kissed him. The kiss, albeit a little sloppy and very much like the kid didn’t quite know what he was doing, was confident. Confident like he thought he could trick Dave into thinking he knew what he was doing. Confident like it was something he had been thinking about for a while. Confident like he really had been raised by a cool as fuck Strider.

Confident like he was trying hard not to be nervous or scared of what could happen.

Dave had tensed at the contact, the action honestly surprising him, albeit not as much as it should have surprised him. But what else surprised him was that he actually rather _liked_ it. He liked it and he kind of hated himself for it. He liked it and that fuzzy, vague memory jumped back into mind making his heart twist in on itself and making him kiss back. Dave Strider kissed his younger brother back and with a kind of need he hadn’t even been aware of. Kissed him back like it wasn’t completely sick and wrong. Like half of his brain wasn’t putting up several red flags while the other told him it was okay and that he would enjoy it.

The way his little brother’s body tensed when Dave kissed back was almost comical. He couldn’t see the way his eyes widened just a little behind his shades, but he knew they had. Knew it in the way his breath caught in the most audible way or in the way he started to break the kiss and back off like he hadn’t expected that kind of reaction. Like he suddenly realized that it wasn’t actually something he wanted to do or like he didn’t like the taste of the booze on Dave’s lips.

But no, Dave wasn’t going to let him pull away. The kid had stood there in his towel and kissed him and he wasn’t going to get away from it. Not so easily. The older man rose a hand away from where it had settled over the arm of the frame the futon was resting on and he brought it up to the back of his brother’s gelled hair, fisting it in that hand and pulling him closer. Kissing him and kissing him like he meant it. Like he really did want his brother in that particular way. Like he wasn’t actually thinking of some guy he was pretty sure he had never met before who’s name still escaped him, but only just barely.

The kid relaxed at this point, but only just a little and let out some sort of pleased noise. A slip, he was sure and Dave just let it go. It was hardly the time to tease him for it. Instead he pulled the boy into his lap. Dave ran his hands over his brother’s damp, naked skin and told himself it wasn’t completely disgusting that he was giving into this. He felt the way the other shook in his off kind of embrace and he reminded himself that his brother came onto _him_. That he had asked to be kissed like that in a way.

After all he had always taught him never to do anything half assed.

So Dave didn’t go into this half assed, either. He accepted the invitation without really thinking about it and stepped in full force even if he inwardly had doubts about the whole thing.

Despite those doubts and insecurities, however Dave could feel the blood rushing into his groin as his brother shook and kissed and let out those small mistakes every once in a while. He felt himself get hard and he felt the way the other’s thigh pressed against it without meaning to. Felt the way he tensed again and this time Dave let him pull away from the kiss.

They stared. Maybe for a few minutes. Maybe for a few hours. But they stared through their respective shades and Dave, for one, let the wheels of calculation turn in his brain, albeit slowly with the blood to his dick and the booze in his empty stomach. Finally, the younger blonde really did take a deep breath, presumably to calm the way he shook. But he didn’t get off of his lap.

“I honestly didn’t expect you to do that,” he said finally, pink tongue darting out to lick at his lips. Dave watched it and he tried not to shift on the futon with his brother still on top of him. Tried not to think about the way hazy image of that memory in blue may or may not have licked _his_ lips when he didn’t quite know what to say. Dave settled his hands over his brother’s hips.

“Well I didn’t expect you to kiss me.”

Dave watched what he could see of the controlled fight his brother fought to keep blood from rising and colouring his cheeks a beautiful, unironic pink. He was proud to see the fight won for the kid even if it meant he didn’t get to see him blush.

“Do you want the answer that’s the truth or the answer that is half truth and half bullshit?”

This time it was apparently Dave’s turn to lick his lips in thought as he considered the question presented to him. But did he really care what his reason was? Not particularly. “I can’t say I honestly care, little man.”

This earned Dave a tiny frown, just at the corners of his brother’s lips. “Bro, I-“

Dave didn’t listen. He really didn’t care what his reason was. The fact of the matter was, he had kissed him. He had kissed him and Dave had returned the gesture. He shut his little brother up with a kiss of his own, interrupting whatever was going to spill from his mouth and and hopefully losing the words forever. It didn’t matter and he didn’t want to hear it, anyway. He wanted to close his eyes and pretend his brother was someone else.

Pretend that the warm and damp body on top of him that was kissing him back was that Memory. That name that couldn’t quite reach his tongue. Wouldn’t quite reach his tongue. The Memory that teased him and taunted him. The thing he thought about when he touched himself. He pretended that he was with whoever that was and that his brother was off somewhere else entirely. Closed his eyes to the Memory and _pretended_ that it was all different and that he was younger and playing some bogus game with the friends he loved.

His hands undid the towel knot his brother had tied into the thing and pulled it open. Feeling the way his brother shivered, Dave moved one hand to wrap around the other’s growing erection, slowly stroking him and doing what he could to coax the appendage to full length. Still, he kept his eyes closed and pretended as he slid his tongue past parted lips and explored a mouth he never thought he would be kissing.

Everything his brother did at this point was expected from the way he gasped at the touch and bucked his hips to the way he hummed and slid his tongue along Dave’s. He seemed eager to learn about what they were doing. Eager to feel good and eager to find out how to kiss someone and make it feel _good_. Even his Memory seemed to be trying to learn and fumble only slightly with his inexperience. But the slight fumbling didn’t seem quite right. Not for that particular thought. No, he thought that Memory of him would be a lot clumsier. Sloppier. That he would kiss in a way that was adorable and sad. That he would blush and look sheepish for doing it that way.

It left Dave feeling almost disappointed. But only almost because he figured this was good enough. Figured that pretending this more confident version would do.

A few minutes passed (but maybe it was really an hour) and Dave pulled away from the kissing and the touching to look at the boy on his lap. To really look at him despite the shades on their faces and try to come to terms that not only was he kissing his own brother, the person he was raising, but he was also trying to trick himself into thinking it was someone that may or may not have ever existed in the first place. “Get up.”

More hesitation, then. The smaller male looked at Dave for what felt like a small eternity before shakily rising to his feet, grabbing the towel in some fumbling attempt to cover himself up. So not cool. “Bro, really I-“

No. No, he wasn’t going to hear it. Dave turned away from his brother. Away from the futon and the television and the living room itself. Away from that and towards the hallway where his bedroom was, undoing his tie and tossing it to the side on the way. He didn’t hear anything else from his brother behind him, and he figured that was a good thing. “Come on.”

It was an invitation. An order, almost but not quite. The kind of Strider Offer of a lost tie and a small, almost curious look over the shoulder as he moved. His brother followed.

Once they were in his bedroom Dave wasted no time in closing the door behind his brother and turning his shielded eyes to him. Looking at him. Appreciating what kind of body he had and trying hard not to think of how wrong it was. How sick he felt for giving into the whole thing so easily. Taking advantage of his brother’s curiosity and twisting it into something perverted and Wrong. Using him.

“Are we going to, uhm…” He swallowed. Dave took the time to think to himself that it was actually rather endearing that his brother was losing all of his cool in the face of their situation while he was standing there naked in a bedroom that wasn’t his with the man that raised him.

“Yeah. We’re going to.” It was easy to say it, easy to intend to actually do it. To take this all the way without looking back. It was easy to think that it was going to be simple, but an entirely different thing to actually do it. Dave wondered if he even could. He wanted to. God, did he want to. But there was still hesitation in him. Shame. Disappointment in himself.

Dave kissed his brother again, closing his eyes again but this time trying hard not to twist it. Trying hard to remind himself that it was his brother and not someone he didn’t even know. It wasn’t fair to him, surely. Not to either of them. But it warped, anyway. The textures and everything in his head changed to that Memory and he cursed himself despite the part of him that preferred it that way. It made him feel guilty when he felt those strong, young arms wrap around him. When whoever it was he was kissing, now tried to take some initiative and slide his tongue over Dave’s. He actually liked that.

But enjoying it or not Dave was rather tired of not being in bed with this already. He pulled away from the kiss and away from the embrace this person had him in and he opened his eyes. Oh, yes. That was right. Him.

He pushed his brother onto his bed, tongue darting out to wet his lips and for a moment he just stood. He watched his little brother. Looked at his naked body and appreciating the muscle that had built under the skin at fifteen. Appreciating the way his face looked and he was okay with the fact that he still had his shades on. A big part of him wanted them to stay on the entire time while a smaller part of him, the part that wanted this to be with his brother and not some Memory, wanted to reach out and remove them.

However Dave did not do that. Instead he took his sweet time undoing the buttons of his dress shirt, eyes still on his brother and he really did wish he could see where the kid was looking. Once the buttons were undone he tossed the shirt to the floor carelessly, then began to remove his pants. He stripped until he was just as naked as the male in his bed and then he considered him again. Considered the situation and his brother as a person.

“You haven’t done this before, right?” Thankfully his voice was still calm. Calm and cool and collected. Not even his conflict could crack his voice, he was sure.

His brother shook his head and by then it was pretty obvious, even with the shades on, that he was indeed looking at Dave’s naked body. That he was appreciating him much in the same way Dave had been appreciating his brother earlier. It was just as he had thought. His cool little brother was a virgin just like Dave was until he went off to some bullshit college. Dave nodded.

There was some lubrication and a box of condoms in his bedside drawer. He pulled both of these things from their little home in the cluttered drawer and set them on the bed, letting the other see them before Dave got onto the bed as well and started kissing over his brother’s shoulders and chest.

The kid shivered at the contact and he was still shaking. Shaking even as a hand found its way into Dave’s hair, keeping him on his path down his chest and over his stomach. He actually gave a surprised moan when those kisses found their way to the tip of his erection. It was definitely cute how the kid was turning into a pile of absolute, uncool mush in his hands. Dave appreciated that he could do that to someone, even if it was a fifteen year old kid. An extremely cool and well trained fifteen year old kid.

It was true that Dave had a lot of time on his hands to do as he pleased with the the male in front of him and that his brother had just as much time on _his_ hands, but he was hardly in the mood for taking his sweet time with this at this point. He pulled away and grabbed the bottle, popping open the cap and pouring some of the slick, sticky stuff onto three of his fingers, kissing over his brother’s hips and thighs as he did so.

There was no need to ask if he was ready, Dave figured. No need to ask if it was all really okay. If he was sure that he wanted to do this. Say that he could always back out if he wanted to and it would be fine. No, he was enough of a bastard to forgo all of that and instead he pressed one slicked finger into his brother.

Of course, he jumped. But only just a little. He jumped and he gasped and those fingers pulled at his hair roughly. “Hey, be careful,” Dave nearly hissed. His brother muttered an apology and those fingers loosened a little. Just a little.

“Sorry, I just…” He groaned softly as Dave curled the finger inside him. “I didn’t really uhm… expect that.”

Dave took note of how his brother didn’t seem all that uncomfortable with the intrusion and it really shouldn’t have surprised him as much as it actually did. “It’s fine.” He licked over the length of his brother’s member as he pressed a second finger in and listened to the other gasp again, the sound pleased and needy by that point.

He honestly enjoyed doing those things to his brother. Pleasing him and touching him and _tasting_ him and _God_ Dave was so hard. But he loved it even more when he closed his eyes as he began to take that member in his mouth and it was the Memory again he was thinking of. Not his fifteen year old charge. It was a different voice that said his real name, that called him Dave in that desperate tone and not ‘Bro’. Dave shivered at it, just a little and he hummed as he sucked on a real dick and pulled imaginary moans from an imaginary friend.

The hands in his hair tugged and a voice that probably really did belong to his brother was moaning, now. The kind of moaning a Strider only allowed when his poker face was completely shattered and swept under the bed. Dave listened, rather enjoying the sound whether it was actually his brother or how his mind warped the sound into someone else’s voice doing the same thing.

Eventually Dave pulled his fingers from his brother with his impatience, pulled back from his member with a wet sounding ‘pop’ and he was looking at the other again. He hesitated there, hand already around the bottle of lube again and he considered the both of them. He considered for what felt like entirely too long, until his brother started to shift and look like he was going to say something before he reached out to remove those shades from his smaller face. To remove his own shield and put it to the side. They didn’t need those. Not when everything was crumpled and different and Wrong, already. His brother said nothing about this and neither did Dave. He couldn’t quite think of the words, anyway. His brother’s eyes were beautiful. Beautiful and unnatural much like his own and they showed him naked emotion. It kind of scared him a little. Scared him and rendered him unable to think of much of anything.

But what he could think of was grabbing one of the condoms from the box and taking it from it’s wrapper. That he still wanted his brother despite his own nerves and despite those emotional orange eyes. Dave rose to his knees as he brought that hand down to roll the thing over his weeping erection. “Turn around,” he told him, “on your hands and knees.”

The boy did as he was told and Dave felt guilty for making him do it. Felt guilty for not wanting to be able to look into that face as he fucked him. For actually going through with this. He saw those hands fist into the sheets of Dave’s bed and listened to the way he breathed. Felt the way he shook with nervousness. Nervousness and maybe something else.

Placing one hand over his brother’s hip, he guided his erection towards the other’s entrance and carefully guided himself into his young body. Carefully pressed into him and bit back the moan that threatened to escape him and betray just how damn _good_ it felt to be inside his brother even with the condom on. He closed his eyes to it, biting his bottom lip briefly and he stopped moving only once he was all the way inside the other.

“Fuck,” Dave hissed and he heard his brother say something very similar to it. Heard him breathe and felt his efforts at relaxing around the larger intrusion. He ran one hand over his brother’s bare back and held it there just under his shoulder blades, pressing him down just a little and eventually, the boy rocked his hips back against him.

“Come on, Bro,” he breathed, “don’t stop now.”

Oh, no. Dave had no intention of stopping there. Especially not when his Memory or whatever it was had called him “Dave” instead of “Bro”. Instead he slowly pulled back until just the head of his member was inside that warm, tight body and then he rocked back into it, just a little harder. Just a little faster. He repeated this motion as that vague, fuzzy thing in the back of his eyelids told him he loved it. Told him to keep going. Told him to do it more.

Of course who could say no to more? Dave couldn’t. He wouldn’t. Not when he was asked so nicely. Eventually the rocking stopped and the real thrusting began. Thrusting in and out of that body that called out to him and loving every second of it. He loved the way the muscles around him pulled him in hungrily and the way his name was called. Moaned. Cried out. Screamed, almost at one point.

Dave’s eyes remained closed and as he moved that Memory began to get clearer like it often did when he was touching himself or dreaming. The way it did and allowed him a look at who he was before it was gone and his head pushed the sight of it out entirely.

His memory provided him with the image of that boy he had forgotten. Stupid pajamas, goofy grin, stupid glasses… and that laugh. That laugh he wished more than anything he could hear again, even if it was a dumb laugh. But regardless of that amazingly awful laugh, the boy under him moaned loudly and Dave honestly couldn’t remember if it was Him or if it was his brother anymore. But whoever it was, they cried out and those muscles around him tensed up.

Oh. Oh, _fuck_. Dave couldn’t hold on anymore. At that point he didn’t even try. He cried out as he came, the sound practically bouncing off of the walls of his room and ringing in his own ears. He hadn’t meant to, but the name he called out at the moment of his release certainly wasn’t the name of his brother.

He realized this as he opened his eyes again and he saw that boy there underneath him, body once again tense and knuckles white where he still clung onto the sheets. Dave pulled out of him and he tried not to watch as his brother half curled into himself before he began to get up. Tried not to, but watched anyway.

“I uh… I should go.” His brother’s voice was smaller than Dave ever remembered it being as the boy grabbed his shades and, without even so much as glancing at him, turned to leave the room, obviously trying to hide the discomfort in his backside and doing a poor job of it.

“Wait, D-“

“No, just…” He shouted the words, but then stopped and he sighed, trailing off for a moment. “Just forget it. I’m going to go to my room.” And he did so. He left. He left Dave there alone in his room with a name he couldn’t even remember anymore sitting heavily on his tongue and wondering why it was he couldn’t remember. What it was he was trying to remember and why he said that name at a time like that instead of his brother’s name.


End file.
